Open Book

     I had huge goals for myself this year and I've managed to accomplish all of them (for the most part) but one... the final thing I wanted to do was to either start or just completely do a book of my work! It's not even about selling and making money off of it. It's about documenting my work and having everything I worked hard for in my hands for that year. It's also about sharing my stories with other people on a deeper level.

     I think I may extend it out a bit and do a book next year, but as of right now... I'm in the works and process of making a book that contains so much more than what you guys read in my blogs and see on my facebook and other networks. There will be extreme details about my work as far as the concept and post processing goes. I want this to be great! I want to share with everyone my dreams!

     I can't wait to add so much more work and to make this dream a reality. I constantly thank everyone for the support they've shown me over the years. The people that have hung in there for me to develop and refine my work will always be the people that I thank over and over again. It shows that you love me as an artist and not for one specific image, but all my mistakes and successes in life! <3

"Dear Diary" 2014
Flickr
Facebook

Define Yourself

      This is a topic that I've struggled with for a really long time now. When I was a kid I constantly had people put me down or make fun of me for the home I lived in. It got me to the point of asking myself "Why was I put in this situation?" It turned me almost ungrateful for all the things my parents have done for me. I hated my home and wished I lived somewhere else... bigger, with a pool and trampoline, even two story if possible!

     That didn't last long though, I soon began to get angry at people for how they treated me or anyone else just because of the place they lived. Once I thought about it, I loved my home. I loved my parents and dogs... I even loved the fact that I didn't have all these things to keep me entertained. Why? Because I grew creatively. My brain was stimulated a lot deeper than the average kid now of days with their Ipads. I'd actually go outside and play. Create my own games and stories - I learned to draw, sing, even play piano.

     After realizing everything my parents have done for me and their worth to me, I started to feel sorry for the back asswards thinking of others. It wasn't just children either. I dated a guy that I absolutely cared the world for only to find out his grandmother hated me. I didn't find out until many years later that she hated me because she thought I was trash because of where and what I lived in. I'm not trash at all. I don't act like it and I hold myself to a high standard and live my life better than most wealthy people

     To be clear, I didn't live in a trailer park, but I did live in a double wide home my whole life. It was never trashy either. My parents kept great care of it. We even painted, removed the carpet and replaced it with beautiful hardwood, and removed the linoleum and put in very nice stone flooring. We painted put in new ceiling fans, sinks, and recently a new framed front porch. I now live in my own apartment and will soon be looking at houses within the next year.

     It doesn't matter where you live, but who you are in the inside. If you're a hateful person that judges other people based on their money and house, then you're a horrible person deep to the core. I actually knew someone that lived in a really nice house and had the world until something happened and they had to get an old smaller house. I was told stories about how they were all embarrassed of it and how they don't like inviting other people over because of how they didn't want other people to talk negatively about them.

     That's such a sad thing for people to experience. Feeling like everything they worked for is embarrassing. It absolutely makes my heart hurt. Never be embarrassed by your housing situation. You could live in a crappy place, yet keep it beautiful and clean. Not everyone will have the chance to live in a huge house with nice cars and all of the fancy things that people with money shove in our faces. Not saying having money should make you feel bad for people that don't, but what I'm getting at is the judging of a person based on money needs to stop.

     As a photographer, people expect me to have my own studio with thousands of dollars worth of equipment. I've had people tell me they thought I had a studio, and even had some photographers say "WOW" based on my images and the old camera I used to use because they never expected the quality from the camera I had (Sony Alpha 300 and ONLY the kit lens). The more expensive something is doesn't always mean it's better. Truth is, I don't own a studio. I actually do not think I'd ever really want to unless my career drastically changed. For all my images I basically just use my camera and the kit lens. Generally only available lighting. I never really use my extra lights for anything. Here is a list of all my gear...

• Canon EOS 7D
• Canon 28-135mm EF f/3.5-5.6 IS USM
• Canon 50mm EF 1.8
• Sigma 70-300mm f/4-5.6
• One Yongnuo 560-II Speedlite
• 5-in-1 Reflector
• Cheap $12 tripod
• Light stand and attachment for my speedlite along with a 22 in. softbox.
• Wireless Yonguo Transmitter and Receiver for the speedlite.
• Wireless Remote by Vello

     This is all of the equipment I own. I can literally carry everything with me in two hands. I used to let other photographers hurt me by saying I'll never get anywhere because of my lack of equipment and that's not true at all. I've learned to be light with my gear so I can carry it to places more discretely and easily, I've learned alternative ways to photograph, and I learned how to compensate for the lack of gear. 

     Don't let money define you. Don't let what other people say define you. Define yourself. Be better than the people that put you down for working hard to have the things you do have. Stick up for the people that struggle with these same feelings. Just because you don't have something, doesn't mean you're worthless. I've seen amazing things from amazing people and they had nothing in the beginning. 

Boobies!!!!

Okay, so the title isn't misleading but it leads up to what I'm wanting to talk about. Words hurt. What you say to someone could seriously damage that person. Not everyone is strong enough to brush off ignorant comments and not let it get to them.

Tonight, without going into a lot of detail, a guy that I work with busted out laughing and was making fun of me for having smaller breasts. I wear a 36B cup, I'm not ashamed. They're not as full as some other B cup tatas, but non-the-less they're there. Usually I don't let this get to me. I laugh it off or make silly jokes also and then think nothing else about it.

The amount and overly dramatizing loudness of the laughing and then running around the work place a bit kind of got to me. He made it out to be the BIGGEST deal that I didn't have tits that popped out of my shirt. Like I said, I have always ignored these ignorant actions/comments about my smaller yet firm bra stuffers. I'm not really sure why tonight was any different.. maybe it was the other remarks stated after it (which I won't say) or maybe it was the fact that he got another person I work with to laugh and say terrible things about my niblets as well. Either way, it hurt... a lot.

I have never made fun of another person because of appearances or even things as sensitive as mound size. Not many women like hearing anyone say they have a big butt, but big jugs is a huge deal.. why? It's kind of what defines a woman as a woman to a certain extent... it's just a feminine quality to have a nice pair of fun bags. Just like men don't like hearing women saying they have a small package or no nuts, women don't like hearing they have no cha-chas either.

Women with bigger bonkers typically envy smaller knockers and visa versa. There are perks to each but for the sake of me talking about these wonderful tiny men silencers, I'd like to list some things that make having smaller chichis a good thing.
Move comfortably- I can cross my arms, raise my hands, do whatever I want without having a side boulder rubbing against my arm constantly.
Clothes fit more comfortably- Sometimes they may not fill out certain dresses better than larger hoohas, but at least there is a wider range of dresses, and shirts to choose from. I don't have to worry about having to buy a shirt 3 times larger just to fit and then have it baggy in the arms or waist.
I can breathe and I don't have back problems- The most common thing I hear from women with big hooters is that it gives them back problems and it's hard to sleep on their backs OR stomachs at night. For me... I can sleep on my back, stomach, both sides, upside-down if I wanted too... and don't have to worry about being uncomfortable or suffocating throughout the night.

There are definitely more perks but these are just the obvious main things. In the end I love myself enough to love the seemingly negative things about me. I have a bigger butt, I have smaller melons, I'm not as pretty as other girls, etc. I've learned over the years to love myself and to not let what others say get to me because in the end they're worthless. This guy that said these things and laughed at me is a terrible person inside and out (other reasons I won't mention). Also, I looked a realized that this person means nothing to me. I don't talk to him, hang out with him... nothing at all. He is worthless to me and if he disappears I probably wouldn't be upset. That's what you have to keep in you head. The people that are truly there for you would never do hurtful things and those are the people you need to keep in your life.

Anything said here wasn't meant to be anything negative against bigger coconuts. I think they can be quiet nice myself, I just want people to stop being huge jerks about size. Everyone has different preferences so saying one kind of anything is "pretty" isn't fair at all. I guess this is just something that us as humans continue to fight everyday...

Original

No one really knows who the first person was to start the whole surreal photography genre. (Well, I don't know at least) The one thing I do know is that Brooke Shaden wasn't the first person to do it. This isn't a blog bashing her. I love her soul, her work, her words of encouragement, and so so much more. This is a blog about how, while I'm flattered and I'm sure others are as well when their work is compared to Brooke's or even thought as Brooke's, it's not Brooke's work - it's mine.

I get a lot that I'm copying Brooke, or Shelby, or whoever else does similar type portraits. Let me stop you there and tell you-NO. I've been doing photomanipulation since I was 13. Granted they weren't as advanced as my pieces now, but I was still doing it before these people became popular and before I knew who they were. No, I'm not the first person to do these types of works. Actually I was inspired by other people's works I saw as a kid. Mainly paintings and from films, but I still did my own work aside from that. I have a Myspace that has an old album from when I was a kid just full of composite works I did.

People being ignorant towards me because they don't know me is pretty annoying and if anything makes me laugh because it truly shows how a person doesn't know me at all. I had a blog a while back that told everyone how I got into photography and even the surreal part of it. I'll paraphrase it for you... I was 13, had no models but myself, had photoshop 7, and a webcam/point and shoot. These were my tools. I was too shy to use models and lacked resources and knowledge to have my images hung anywhere or even advance. It took me a long time to obtain the knowledge I have. I taught myself. So much trial and error happened... and in the end all of my hard work is being taken away from me by people that don't know what they're talking about. I have countless hours of watching videos, speed-art, learning in photoshop myself, learning different techniques myself and from others, etc.

Simply put, know someone before you speak. Someone that is popular now isn't always the first person to do something, they're generally just the first person to make it known. I'm not angry that people compare me. I'm really flattered and it makes me joyous even, but everything isn't just what you see. Take a little time to do some real research before you point fingers.

The Details

     I get asked this a lot with my images and I always forget to tell people how or why. Last night my boyfriend hovered over me while I was doing some editing to an image and he says, "That was A LOT of attention to detail, how did you even see that?"

     As a kid I loved to draw. I drew all the time everywhere and mostly in class at school. They obviously forbade it so I would have to kind of sneak drawing. I'd get really close to my paper and draw miniature figures. I did that all the time even after I got caught. Also, I drew so close to the paper because I didn't want others to see. I was scared to show my thoughts and talent. I often had kids take my drawings a rip them up, scribble over them, or yell at me and tell me that I didn't draw that and that I was lying even going as far as forcing me to draw in front of them - which made me super nervous so you can imagine how that one went.

     Doing this has ruined my eyesight. I used to have 20/10 eyesight and over the years with hiding my talents and keeping it a secret I now have pretty poor eyesight. I can only see very close up. My computer screen is a bit fuzzy and it's only a few feet away from me. I had glasses for a bit but hardly wore them because they were just too inconvenient. My parents ended up letting me get contacts my freshman year in high school because I played volleyball and well... you kind of need to see long distance and glasses are highly not recommended.

     Anyways, when I first put in my contacts I cried. For the first time in many many years I had my vision back. I was able to play volleyball better, sit in the back of the classrooms instead of the front so I could see the board, drive at night, even draw better and bigger! I was so excited and I love them with every part of me.

     Though I lost a lot of my eyesight it did give me the talent of being able to see details, being up close with my images and really getting into the tiniest of parts. With my contacts I can practically see everything now. My eyes are like a 4k t.v. It used to give me headaches when I first got my contacts because before then I wasn't used to all of the detail. I'm definitely okay now and I can see even more detail in objects. I could sit around all day and mope about not having great eyes anymore, but I turned it into a positive and believe that in some way it helped me grow as an artist and helped my brain to process information in a different way.

Humility, Thankfulness, and Drifting Apart

     Humility is lacking these days and I mean TRUE humility. There is really being humble and then there is pretending to be humble just so people will see you as... being humble. I'm all for people being confident, don't get that twisted, but you have to find a balance of confidence and humility. I believe every person deserves to boast about certain things. Maybe you achieved something you're super proud about and want to tell the world! Excitement is a very wonderful thing to experience! It's those people that doesn't say look what I did (once) but constantly pushes it up in people's faces that need to be brought back down to earth. Be excited, yes, but at some point you're going to have to move on. Just have a happy heart. I see too much jealousy happening because of other's success and it makes me sad. There are plenty of things in this world to be great at and more than one person can even be great a the same thing! It's not the end of the world.

     Everyday I have to be thankful for the things I do have and the things I don't have. Everyone else should too, because there is much much worse than the issues you deal with daily. When I visited Orlando last weekend I saw a lot of homeless people. I mean, A LOT. I see them where I live as well but not to this abundance. For those 3 days we saw the same people in the same spot all day-every day. It really made me sad. While I know some people are comfortable with being like that, I know there are other's that struggle daily. I really had to sit down for a few minutes and just be thankful for everything in life I have... the big and the small.

     Another thing, people move on and even from each other. It's a sad part of life. Not all friends will always be close friends and not all relationships will work out either. It's called drifting apart and it happens all the time. Family does it too. I have friends I grew up with that I still talk to but we don't hang out everyday (hardly ever) and we don't really talk much either. We grew up and went on our own paths because we all have our own lives, dreams, families, expectations, successes, etc. Don't get stuck in the past and just try to move on because this world is ever changing and we need to keep up with the change in order to be free and happy.

     I just want to continue being a happy and inspired person. I'm very thankful that I am now in a point in my life that I have little to no drama. Face-it, we all have those people that will try and make your life difficult and they only will if you allow them. Get away from those people. Remove them on facebook, out of your phone, e-mails, etc. I've even went as far as blocking certain people's friends and families in order to expel them out of my life as much as possible. Letting go is an amazing and beautiful strength that only takes practice. So go out there and achieve your dreams leaving all drama behind you, old relationships that are holding you back, and shoot for success. Remember to always be thankful and humble because you have one life, so live it to it's fullest!

Imaginary

I have a deep and strong connection with this song. When creating this image, I wanted to keep true to the lyrics of the song. "In My field of paper flowers, Candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me," I sing this song very very often. If you've read any of my blogs from when I first started blogging, then you'll know that I was bullied for a majority of my childhood. I was about 11 when the song first came out, I already loved her song "Bring Me To Life", I used to listen to it all the time.

Even at a young age I understood the lyrics well. Maybe because I could see people for who they really were and what the world is without even having to explore much of it. I didn't just understand and feel the song, but I lived the song. I've always been a dreamer. My body was always in auto pilot mode while my mind was in my own world--I still do this. I hated school, which is funny because I loved it at the same time, but I found myself not being able to fully flourish there. While I have nothing wrong with religion, to each his own, the religious school I went to focused too much on the religion itself and not enough on developing a child's talents and their minds. I still have no clue where all the money my parents spent went. It definitely wasn't for an art program.

There is bullying everywhere you go, I experienced it from a wide variety of people, both learned and ignorant. What helped me in life to cope with these daily pains of having to deal with people has always been my imagination. I'd spend hours outside exploring our wooden back area, playing imaginary games that I was some warrior princess that saved the entire village from danger! I would draw, sing and play piano to keep myself entertained. Now of days people stay on the computer, their cell phones, and their other various hand held devices. Don't get me wrong, I played my share in gameboy, playstation, etc. I was a pretty hardcore console and pc gamer, but aside from that I took time to fall into my own imagination.

I was told once to let my mind go blank and your "safe zone" or quiet place would appear. For me it was an open green field where you could see no end and the sky met the ground with one single tree. In my head I would go and sit by that tree and just let myself be free. We actually had a tree outside my parents house that I would sit by all the time and draw, some workers came by one day and cut the tree down due to it being close to the power lines. A tiny part of me died that day. I found other trees I would climb in and sit and think all the time, we had that nosy neighbor that would come out and yell at me and even threaten to call the cops on me because they thought I would fall out of it... though it was on our property, I soon found another better tree where she couldn't say anything. I still climbed the other one and eventually told her to screw off.

I would lie inside myself and thoughts for hours almost every hour I was awake. I still do this today and I get a lot of "air-headed" comments. Trust me, I'm not air-headed, I just don't want to listen to people's constant sex jokes, cruel humor, and mindless banter. I have a love-hate relationship with people. I have a very caring side that tries my hardest to please others and help them. Then I have my side that knows how unfaithful, cruel, and backstabbing people can be. When someone doesn't get their way they instantly change on you. They become distorted from the previous image they tried to show you.

Working in the food industry really made me dislike people even more. We get "nice" people all the time yet the second their food was wrong (even slightly) they go off and all of a sudden we're the most ignorant and incapable people on this planet. People just do things without thinking and that's what I think will continue to be the downfall of the human race. I do a lot of things on whim as well but there are also many many things that I don't do or say based on the outcome.

Anyways, I still cope with people and their rudeness by shrugging it off and going into my own little world which is where most of my images are born. A lot are from dreams, but I do get a lot of ideas while I'm at work in "auto pilot mode".

There is so-so much more that connects me to these song lyrics but this was just a tad bit into why I love it so much and why I relate to it. The rest of the stuff is kind of depressing and I'm not really in a depressing mood right now. I'm actually quiet inspired, excited, motivated, uplifted, thoughtful, etc. I just wanted to take a few minutes out of my time and share with everyone my thoughts.

"Imaginary"