Thursday, January 23, 2014

Fruits Basket

     Anime is one of my favorite things on this planet. I grew up watching it, reading mangas, and role playing/cosplaying. I watched this anime called "Fruits Basket" a long time ago and decided to watch the first season (sadly they never made another season but the mangas completed the story) over again because it keeps popping up in my Hulu suggestions. Anyways, now that I'm older... I can't understand and relate to it a lot more than when I was younger and didn't really grasp the concept. On the surface of the show, it's about a family curse, but beneath is an underlying message that I think everyone could take something from it. It's about acceptance. Where a person does and does not fit in. How treating others with compassion has a greater effect on a person than most realize. I related to this show in so many ways than one that I felt like I was a part of it... like I knew these people and they were my friends too. I know, I know. That sounds pretty silly and childish but I loved it either way.

     I could relate to every character in one way or another. Tohru, I related to her a lot actually. There are so many times where I go out of my way for other people. The things I say and do effect people and just last week I had someone thank me for sending them encouraging advise even though I didn't know them. Unlike her, I have more of a voice (more so now that I'm older.. I was pretty much exactly like her when I was her age in high school). Yuki and Kyo I'll talk about together because they're pretty similar. I saw myself the most in them. Picked on in school because I was different. Shunned, ostracized, hit on (literally), told I was nothing and would never amount to anything. It was really hard for me to let people in, even now it's hard for me to trust people. Like Tohru, I'm pretty gullible and for some reason always thinks everyone is telling me the truth.

     Shigure, Well... I'm not perverted so really the main quality I saw in him that I related to was his humor. He likes to joke around and mess with people in a light hearted way which is something I love doing. Laughing is probably my favorite emotion on this planet. Even over love. Speaking of love, Hatori. I've suffered from losing a loved one (not in death). The pain is always there though I'm always happy for that person. It's really bitter sweet but you can't change the past, all you can do is just move on and hope time heals a wounded heart. Kagura, I've loved someone and accepted them with my entire heart to have them not love me back as well. Though, this wasn't a huge issue in the show and she never seemed upset over it... but it's still something I relate to.

     Momiji, I'm pretty good about staying happy and hiding my feelings and thoughts from others for the most part. I'm also silly like he is. Kasuma, I've had someone look up to me before. Someone that wanted to be just like me... someone that I influenced heavily. Ritsu.... lol okay maybe I can't relate to ALL of the characters but someone I could DEFINITELY relate to was Kisa. As a kid (and even now still) I was called ugly and made fun of for how I looked, dressed, or talked. I even, like her, completely stopped talking for 3 months. I didn't accept calls, I didn't talk at school... not even to the teachers. Everything I said was made fun of by other kids, so, I stopped talking. It took me a while to start speaking up and I really didn't even do that until after high school. Hiro, he was born in the year of the sheep, same as me. There have been plenty of times where I've been jealous over someone spending more time with a person I cared about instead of me. I have a funny way of showing it just like him.. I can be pretty mean about things and just assume the person understands what I'm feeling. Last but not least... Akito. I was born with a heavy weight on my shoulders and I too know what it's like to feel absolutely helpless and full of anger because of it. I've been so upset that I forgot the simple wonderful things in life. I hated myself and everyone else that lived. I'm not like that anymore though I can still be quite cynical at times.

     At the end of it all... what really mattered was that ONE person showing that they cared. I know so many times where I've told someone, even if I didn't know them, that I was there for them. I also know so many times where people told me the same things and it really saved me. We all have power and using that power can make or break a person. You never know if what you say or do to someone will keep them going or make them end it all. Lucky for me, I was pretty stubborn and embraced the bullying. I wanted to show everyone that treated me poorly that I AM something. I'm not going to be nothing... a nobody. Some people don't have that drive though... some people are willing to just throw their life away because others tell them they should. It's really hard to see the light in a tunnel that is 100 miles long but that's what makes compassion such a healing power. I am proud to say that I am a riceball... a cat. Different <3

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Itch

     Hello, My name is Samantha and I'm a creativeholic. Everyone has their vices and mine just so happens to be non harming and very therapeutic for me. Wait, I take that back... some of the stuff I do isn't very safe. I go to abandoned areas, now with a chaperon, and I've fallen through floors of old houses, slipped on mystery goo, stepped in glass, etc. But to me... at the end of the day... it's worth it for that one image I had in my head for so long. 

    For me when I get an idea for an image, it's there until I complete that image. I'll obsess over what I'm wanting to do hours. Photography really saved me. Whenever I had no direction... creating with images is what helped me stay straight. This image is the literal definition of an itch I can't scratch. I constantly have ideas running through my head and no matter what I do... nothing satisfies this addiction until I completed the image I've been thinking of for hours, days, sometimes years... Until I finish my idea... it makes my brain "itch" so to speak.

Thursday, January 9, 2014


     I'm in a couple of different photography groups and in one of them we have monthly challenges. This month's challenge was "Birth". I decided to take a different approach to this and thought that I would share what went through my mind while creating this.

    I had this image in my head for a while and this challenge pushed me a bit to go out and do it. Plus, I finally had a day off and it was really nice and warm out for "winter". I decided to interpret this challenge by changing the word from "Birth" to it's opposite... "Miscarriage". Now, I've never been pregnant but I do know people that have miscarried and it's not something I wish on anyone or would ever want to experience.

     Instead of doing this in a sterile background I made it in nature. It symbolizes the life all around the baby which would be the mother (mother nature). There are 3 bodies on the ground to signify the 3 trimesters in a pregnancy. The first in the background is in the fetal position symbolizing the fetus. The second in the middle-ground symbolizes the actual birth(miscarriage), while the final body is in the upright position of being carried away to the morgue. I chose a red dress because red is very symbolic for life and death which I've used before in my work. The bodies are covered in a white sheet to symbolize that they're seeds that never made it into the egg.

     As far as the title goes, I went through a lot of thinking with this one. I even had other people try to help me re-title my image because I didn't like "Death by Birth" and straight up "Miscarriage", so I went with the emotion of losing a child which would be mourning. More poetically for me would be "Lament."

Monday, January 6, 2014

Work In Progress

     There are things we all struggle with daily. For me, it's trying to keep a positive attitude. I look back constantly and ask myself why I sometimes if not most of times have a bad attitude about something. I look back on how people have treated me and it has turned me sour. I have a lot of hatred in my heart. I hate liars, why? I've been lied to most of my life by almost every person I've ever let in. It's hard for me to let any little fib slide by. The smallest "white lie" is huge to me. It hurts my feelings when people don't think that I am strong enough to hear the truth. Well, I am. I'm a strong person. All the lies I've ever told have always hurt people more than the actual truth did. Now, I always tell the truth even if it's blunt and hurts. A lot of the times that gets me into "trouble" but I don't like to be lied to and most people don't either. I'm not a person that is all for the saying "Ignorance is bliss." You have to get your head out of the clouds and back to reality or you'll never accomplish anything. Funny I'm saying that because with my photography... my head is in the clouds 99% of the time.

     I hate thieves. This goes for a whole range of tangible objects to actual thoughts. My whole life I've been stolen from. I've had my toys, my room, my love, and even my joy stolen from me... several times. I've never had stuff that I could call my own and mean it permanently. Toys is self explained. My room, I've had family members move in to start a new fresh life and then just take advantage of the situation and go back to old crappy habits. My love, I've dated guys and even had friends that have used me and tossed me to the side when something better came along. My joy, this is one that hurts the most. I strive to be the very best at certain things in life to have people come along and try to out do me (one up if you will) and it's all so frustrating when I try to create a place of my own to just have people walk all over me because they think they can or should. I've had people steal my ideas, dreams, and replace them with false hope and lies.

     The way people have treated me in my past has left me more than bitter, but it's something I struggle with everyday to push it out of my life so I can truly live. I don't want to be a bitter person... hateful... I want to be a happy person. I've always been happy... but I let stupid people and the past get in the way... I guess that's one huge reason why I love photography and music so much... it lets me get away and express myself and pour all my thoughts and emotions into simple things that make me happiest in life.

     All my desires are unattainable if I keep looking to the past instead of keeping my head towards the future. My goals this year and the years after is to keep my heart happy and to keep myself as positive as I can. I always want to improve to be the best me I can be.

"Unattainable Desire"