Growing up I always had an active imagination. Outside was my canvas and I used it up that's for sure! I think I finally stopped playing outside and with imaginary friends when I was 13. My childhood was kind of a dark one when it came to school and dealing with other children. I was constantly the outcast and it didn't matter what I did to fit in kids always picked on me. I remember when barbies were a big deal and just because I didn't have the next-best-thing basically I wasn't allowed to play with the other girls. Eventually I got heavy into the 2 in. Polly Pocket dolls and everyone loved them and wanted to play with them but after they bought their own they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. It's not like I was one of those kids that was a constant annoyance because I kept to myself most of the time.
Eventually it got to where I gave up on fitting in and then I got picked on even more! What can a girl do to just be left a lone? As a coping mechanism I started to draw and sing, though I was very shy and didn't show anyone my drawings until I was in the 5th grade, I loved it with all my heart. It gave me the perfect outlet to let me get emotions I had inside from being bullied out in the open. I used to go home crying almost everyday because of how the children treated me. The most pathetic part is that I went to a private Christian school and the kids still acted that way. I was bullied for not having the best clothes, toys, house, etc.
My parents are smokers and kids would always cough really loud around me and ask what was burning just to embarrass me for something that I couldn't control. One time in the 5th grade a girl spread around that I was a lesbian just because I wanted to hang out and play with the other girls, like a normal female child. At that time I didn't even know what being a lesbian meant! I tried to ignore it and eventually talked to my parents about it and they went straight to the school about it. It's been so long that I can't recall if being called that stopped right away or not but the name calling definitely did not.
Girls were the worst to me growing up. I was always shoved over, my drawings ripped up, being called names... the list goes on. Girls aren't the only ones to blame, I've had my fair share of boys bullying me as well. There were two guys in the 6th grade, I was in the 5th, that would purposely kick soccer balls at me during recess. It didn't matter what I was doing a soccer ball would come from nowhere and hit me. Eventually it got to being punched in the face. I don't want you to think that I didn't fight back because I did. I wasn't afraid to tell a grown up what was going on and who were the ones that hurt me.
Being bullied in middle school wasn't the worst because the names got more intense and so did the bullying.
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| One of my very first extreme edits on a photo probably around the age of 14. |
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When I got into the 7th grade I remember watching America's Next Top Model and just for hours obsess over how beautiful the models were and more specifically the photographs. This become my new creative outlet. We didn't own a camera but we did have a web camera! I started to take "snap shots" on the webcam we had and I felt so artistic and beautiful. It was something I looked forward to doing all the time. When MySpace came around I met this one girl on there with the name of "Mary Miyavi" and she would post the most amazing photos I've ever seen! I have more of a darker personality so her gothic photos were right up my ally. I would follow her page constantly and just wanted to be like her one day. She was also and amazing artist, she drew, and that's what made me look up to her even more! I started to play around with photoshop at 14 years old and I would be on it for hours doing nothing productive but just playing, learning, and creating. My first manipulation was a photo of me in a mirror and I made the other side all dark looking. I thought I was the most amazing artist ever! I look back on that image now and laugh because it's nowhere near what I'm at now. .jpg)
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| Jason. One of my very first photography subjects. I have many photographs of him when I first started using a camera. |
I moved from a webcam to a Silver Kodak point and shoot. I could not stop taking photos. I took photos of myself, my animals, glasses, everything! I couldn't control the love I had for photographing things. I chewed through so many batteries that it would make my parents mad because when they needed the camera it was always dead. My parents knew my creative side and knew how much I loved photography but could never afford a dslr.
One day a family friend bought me my very first dslr! It was a Sony Alpha 300 and I loved that thing more than life itself. I entered a photo contest a couple months later and entered a macro (not very great I should add) shot of a drop of water hanging off a Daisy petal with more daisies reflecting in the droplet. Needless to say I didn't win. I was so confident in myself. The image that won looked like something from a magazine, it was so amazing and perfect I didn't understand how my images were not coming out the same.
I still continued to photograph as much as I could. Eventually just taking photos was NOT enough for me. I wanted to create worlds and show people what I dreamed of, so I started doing photomanipulation pieces. They were all stock images and could never actually be used for art but it was something that helped me to learn what I really wanted to do in life which is to create these worlds.
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| Obviously a bunch of stock photos and brushes but this was a piece that I was truly proud of because I worked really hard on it and it was the type of work that I've always wanted to produce. |
I took my very first creative class in college and my very first photography class as well! It started out in film and I instantly fell in love with film and the process of developing and just how tranquil the dark room is to work in. I still love it and would love to have my own dark room one day! College is were I really developed my talent because I was open to critique the other students and teachers had to give me. I think everyone should just let their guards down and let others in to help and everyone will improve dramatically. I know I did.
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| My weenie dog Ella. Shot with a Minolta 35mm film camera with a 50mm lens. |
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| My old roommate Mandi helping me out with a class project. Shot using a Minolta 35mm film camera with a 50mm lens. |
I got the courage to make a facebook photo page, Sleeping Awake Photography, back in July of 2011. I soon received a lot of positive feedback that helped me in so many ways. All the love and support really helped me to keep pursuing my dreams and to just continue to further my education and love for photography. There isn't a day that I'm not dreaming up a photograph to create.
My fans and friends have been a great support but most importantly my family has been there through it all. They encouraged my piano, drawing, singing, photography, or anything I put my mind to! My parents play different roles with my photography. My father is the one that has helped me buy things for my work like lenses, backdrops, photoshop, etc. and my mother is the one that helped at shoots or with my self portraits. She even buys me all the dresses you see in my works. My mother even let me wrap her up in yarn for a conceptual piece I had in mind! Link: Mother of Yarn! I couldn't ask for better parents! They've kept me going all these years with their constant love and support and even if I made mistakes they never once told me what to do. They just stood back and let me make my own choices as a person and was here for me when I made bad ones. They never judged me and still to this day continue to support and give me as much encouragement and love I could ever ask for! I am truly blessed!
Many years of searching for myself and finding it then losing it and finding it again, I never once lost who I was as an artist. I can't wait to show the world what I can do and what I have planned! I have dreams bigger than myself and I just want to share my world with others. I thank everyone who has modeled or supported my work. You'll never completely understand the gratitude I have towards everyone's hard work with creating my portfolio!
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| My latest piece titled "Breathe No More". Created and posted on October 17th 2013. Shot using a Canon EOS 7D with an 18mm lens. ISO 400 @ f/3.5 |
This is a beautiful emotionally raw post Samantha. It was a pleasure to read. I see children getting bullied (as I was also) quite often and there isn't a single time when I don't want to pull that kid aside and tell them that the things that make them weird as a kid are exactly the same things that will make them a special adult with a unique perspective and voice. It really baffles me that during your school years there is very much an emphasis on conforming, yet as an adult those exact same qualities would have you considered as boring? While the people that march to their own drum are celebrated. I guess it's just mixed up.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking time to read this blog. Reading my own blogs now... this white font on black background hurts, I may change that soon haha, so thanks for sticking in there for that one! Anyways, yeah I took a lot as a child but and I would always stick up for other people along the way too, which made me more disliked. I was always the "reject" but I never tried to be their friend either. At a very young age I was able to see people for who they really were and when I confronted people about it they would freak out on me and start to bully me. I've definitely been cyber bullied before. Actually, not too long ago. I dated this guy and he cheated on me. His new girlfriend and her friend would constantly write terrible things to me on formspring and in facebook messages and comments. Though, I laughed at every single thing said, because let's face it... it was stupid jealous girl drama. Anyways, my friend printed out a whole conversation from these girls for me to keep and always look back on because he said that my responses were mature and showed a lot about my character and hers. It's a good thing to have that as a record because it really puts things into perspective for me and how everyone is temporary. No matter how bad things get, there will be a light to come out of it all. I had some really dark times, but I stuck in there and found the positive side of it all and that's what kept me motivated! Not all kids are lucky to have that type of personality though, some really do believe that they're a no body and that's simply not true. Everyone is here for a reason and another person can't tell you that you're worthless.
DeleteI even had my share of people bullying me as an adult. I'm not as shy as I used to be so I definitely fight back now, but I always turn the other cheek until it goes to far. Same goes with photography. I've had plenty of attacks from people that were overly competitive or jealous. It's all so dumb to me. Especially since I started my photography and manipulations as a way to express myself and escape from bullying, not to be wrapped in a world of more bullying. That's why when I meet other photographers like yourself, I truly cherish you all for being the wonderful and kind people that you all are. I need that in my life and it's amazing to know people like that!